Big bother

Evict Sezer's boots immediately.

I am having nightmares about them.

Birthdays, giants and a diagnosis

Let's get the crap stuff out of the way first. Eliott had a hearing test today and the pediatric audiologist confirmed a lot of normal hearing activity, a bit of glue ear and a rather nasty case of language delay. So it seems my fretting was not all that irrational. I am well prepared for a long road ahead. I want my little boy to be a normal, healthy kid. I don't want him to be a rocket scientist or the prime minister - if he's a dustman, I don't even want him to be the best dustman on the block. I just want him to be happy. Potentially, this hitch in his development could affect that happiness which absolutely terrifies me.

I'll be honest; when she mentioned "glue ear" I prayed that was the cause. Common, treatable, concrete diagnosis. But the doc said it wasn't affecting his hearing and he performed the tasks she set with her wonderful wooden dolls and bleeping machine beautifully. She wants to see him again in six months to do more tests and during that time she wants him to be assessed by a speech therapist. She is "really concerned" by his lack of vocabulary and immature jargonning. She acknowledged that many doctors and health visitors will share the "he'll snap out of it!" attitude held by 99.9% of the population until he is two and a half, but she feels it's important to get him in the system and start looking into the possible causes of the problem now. And so do I.

I'm aware that it could be years before we get to the bottom of this and that's if we ever do. The best we can hope for is a straightforward language delay that will eventually recitfy itself - perhaps with a little help from a speech therapist - and pray that it's not the symptom of a wider-reaching developmental problem.

I have never before felt such overwhelming responsibility. I'm really a parent and it's my job to get El through this. I'm shitting it.

Eliott is such a big boy now that he will probably ride the waves on his own terms. And when I say big, I mean big. His two year check confirmed that his height has now crept into the 98th centile (non-parents don't panic - he's not become a Scientologist or anything, it's a scale parents use to make other parents feel bad about their children's weight and stature). I knew there was something afoot when he qualified for the Chessington World of Adventures log flume (call me irresponsible, I don't care). If he carries on at this rate he will be 6ft2 when he is 18. I'm 5ft5 (on a good day). Help me.

His birthday was wonderful. We bowled, we soft-played, we rejoiced at a talking Superman, we grimaced as he refused to eat his Natural Cafe pizza but stuffed his face full of chips at Streatham's Megabowl. He screamed at his candles (he thought we were trying to use the cake to set him alight) and delighted in ripping open his presents. It was two-tastic.

To celebrate, we thought we'd treat you to some lesser-spotted photos of our jolly in Ibiza. Oh, the memories...







Adios.

What we did on our holidays (aka the plane didn't crash)

On our holidays we stayed here.

We got on one of these to see this and another to see one of these (and a few of these babies).

We had a bash at the hippy market and a splash at Aguamar.

Eliott reckons this place rocks, but not as much as this. Thank God my sensible husband stopped me from trying to take him in here.

We were even lucky enough to be in Eivissa's old town for "Eivissa Medieval" - the most amazing street festival/market/carnival I've ever seen. Eliott liked the mock sword fights, but then he would.

We were delayed on the way home and by the time we boarded the plane I was 5 vodkas (Spanish measures), 6mg of Valium and a bottle of CK One Summer worse off. It was the best flight ever.

Eliott will be two tomorrow. And on that bombshell, I'll bid you goodnight.

Pre-holiday chaos

It's 9.23am and Eliott is still in the land of nod. A day on the (hot, sunny) common put the zap on him. I hope he adopts this policy on holiday - while he's a regular 8am man, a few lazy lie-ins in the old villa will provide a welcome treat.

So far Eliott is the only member of the family who is packed and ready to go. Although I'm owed several thousand pounds for all this hard work I've been doing, I haven't seen a sniff of it yet and am going away in last year's holiday gear as a consequence. Unfortunately, last year's holiday gear is so far unwashed, unironed, unpacked. And I have no spending money to speak of.

It reminds me of a holiday I went on with my Dad when I was a kid. I didn't save a bean (I've always been unprepared) and the £20 my mum gave me before I went, was rapidly spent on magazines and make-up in Manchester airport (I've always been uneconomical). I spent the entire holiday saving up loose change from fetching my dad beers and using various methods to con bits and bats out of him with the aid of my stepmother. By the end of the holiday I had enough cash to buy a Kappa jumper (I've always been a tart).

I'm just about up-to-date with my work now (and have the 2am eye-bags to prove it). I can go away safe in the knowledge that I will have at least 500 emails to come home to. I wish we were going for a month. The amount of preparation we've had to do, we might as well. Still, a break is what we need and my single valium for the plane has arrived (allegedly, a quarter will see me right). It's big and blue and lives in its own tiny case - it's much more dramatic than the piddly Diazepam the doctor prescribed (I've always been a sucker for packaging).

I'll leave you with the startling news that I voted Conservative for the first time in my life last night at the local election. Of course I wanted to give Tony a "bloody nose" and all that, but have also become old and right-wing enough to appreciate that we, in Wandsworth, have the lowest council tax in the country and an absolutely amazing selection of free - and affordable - activities for children. My hand shook as I made the crosses and I felt positively sullied all night.

I've always been a turncoat.